Hazel-Rah's Helliday 14: Santaclaustrophobia

So this is X-Mess...and look what you've done....

You're knee deep in Yule and it's closing in on your sanity!

It seems like every year the season starts earlier and earlier, so much , that at one point it will eventually start so early as to fall on the actual month of December and not July.

And just so Yule don't dump a log, here is a mix-(tape) Santa bag that is full of tricks and treats.

(Oops ,wrong holiday)

But wait-(tress,check,Please!) is that Michael Myers?It's not enough that his visage has haunted Halloween since the late 70's, now William has Shatner'd all over "Silent Night" from his new album.Featuring guest vocals by Iggy Pop.

And while folks at work argue whether Die Hard is a X-Mess movie, let's not forget about Die Hard 2! It takes place on the holiday in question, and it even started so early for the season as to have been released in July of 1990!

We've got more trailers,soundbites and drag queens (oh, My!) than you can jingle a bell at.

So sit right back and you'll hear a tale , a tale of a scary Yule cat ,a woman who falls in love with a snowman until things get all hot and bothered,and Prince perform Auld Lang Syne as only he can

It's....

HAZEL-RAH'S HELLIDAY MIXTAPE #14

SANTACLAUSTROPHOBIA

1) Homer has only one thing to say to anyone who tells him its time to take down the Halloween decorations -"BOO-Humbug"

2) Sean Keller is stunned it's already that time of year again-"Holy Fucking Shit its Christmas"

3) Kent Brockman talks of that seasonal affective disorder that we have all become too aware of "Global Warming"

4) The Replacements warn us to "Bundle Up"

5) Doctor Johnny Fever knows just what song to play next to "Sum up the Season"

6) The Arrogant Worms alert us that "Santa's Gonna Kick Your Ass"

7)It's a trailer for another bloody sequel that no one asked for but we will probably watch anyway-"Passion of the Christ 2"

8) The X-Misses lament that "There is no Christmas in hell (and that's why I'm sad)"

9) Marsheaux compose a carol that is completely made up of New Order song and album titles in

"We met Bernard Sumner at a Christmas Party Last Night"

10) Dan Phillips does it again with his self made mashup of Yaz and the classic Helliday song with

"Don't Go Rudolph"

11) Eric Cartman grumbles that Grandma lives so "Far Away" that he has to drive 6 hours for one damn present

12) Nina West wants you to know what she wants for Christmas this year in this Divine tribute to John Waters' Female Trouble

13) People argue over whether Die Hard is a X-Mess movie, but they always forget about the sequel -

"Die Hard 2-DIE HARDER" ( I bet the porn parody didn't even change the name).This movie takes place during the season with snow falling through the whole movie, and yet....it was released on July 2nd. And we thought Christmas music played in stores started too early? Sheesh

14) Who Ha wish a very "Merry Christmas to me". They are on the side of Die Hard

15) Captain Spaulding suggests the best gift this season with year round Murder Ride Gift Certificates in this commercial

16) Dirty Nice know whats what this season, "It's all Gunna go wrong this Christmas".But isn't that half the fun of not knowing ?

17) It all started with that little "Magic Baby of Bethlehem".

18) Low speaks quietly about said baby and "If You Were Born Today" it wouldn't end pretty.....not that it did the first time round.

19) Drop a few coins into the bucket for Don't Call Me Ishmael as their sing out a capella in the cold of a certain "Mary & Joseph"

20) Elvira ,Mistress of the Dark tells us of her "Second favorite time of the year".The best time of hte year to slay some Carols ...or Karen's...or

21) Bjork provides us a poem that tells of a giant terrifying cat that gobbles up children if they're bad in "The Yule Cat" . Here is the English translation so you may sing along.

You all know the Yule Cat

And that Cat was huge indeed.

People didn’t know where he came from

Or where he went.

He opened his glaring eyes wide,

The two of them glowing bright.

It took a really brave man

To look straight into them.

His whiskers, sharp as bristles,

His back arched up high.

And the claws of his hairy paws

Were a terrible sight.

He gave a wave of his strong tail,

He jumped and he clawed and he hissed.

Sometimes up in the valley,

Sometimes down by the shore.

He roamed at large, hungry and evil

In the freezing Yule snow.

In every home

People shuddered at his name.

If one heard a pitiful “meow”

Something evil would happen soon.

Everybody knew he hunted men

But didn’t care for mice.

He picked on the very poor

That no new garments got

For Yule – who toiled

And lived in dire need.

From them he took in one fell swoop

Their whole Yule dinner

Always eating it himself

If he possibly could.

Hence it was that the women

At their spinning wheels sat

Spinning a colorful thread

For a frock or a little sock.

Because you mustn’t let the Cat

Get hold of the little children.

They had to get something new to wear

From the grownups each year.

And when the lights came on, on Yule Eve

And the Cat peered in,

The little children stood rosy and proud

All dressed up in their new clothes.

Some had gotten an apron

And some had gotten shoes

Or something that was needed

– That was all it took.

For all who got something new to wear

Stayed out of that pussy-cat’s grasp

He then gave an awful hiss

But went on his way.

Whether he still exists I do not know.

But his visit would be in vain

If next time everybody

Got something new to wear.

Now you might be thinking of helping

Where help is needed most.

Perhaps you’ll find some children

That have nothing at all.

Perhaps searching for those

That live in a lightless world

Will give you a happy day

And a Merry, Merry Yule.

22) Kate Bush gets a little "Misty" and naughty with this song about a woman who falls in love with a snowman. But when things get all how and bothered.....we know it won't end well.

23) What's this? What's this? Why ring my Smurfing Bells, it's the album no kid could live without in the early 80's , "The Smurf's Christmas Album" .  What the Smurf?

24) Do you hear what I smell? William has Shatner'd all over "Silent Night" and as if that wasn't weird enough, he invited Iggy Pop to the party. You KHAAAAAAAN 't always get what you want,but if you try sometimes, you can get what you need for any musical taste

25) The Venture Brothers wonder about what is this "Kinky Xmas Spirit"

26)Ending out this years mixtape is Prince ringing in the new ...um,old year, of 1987 with his live performance of equal parts Purple Rain and "Auld Lang Syne (Live 12/31/1987)"

27) Marcy Darcy knows how to succeed at the Helliday .She "Bought the Xmas Spirit". Now available at your local stores in all sizes, small,medium and crushing debt.