Saturday, February 12, 2022

Hello Sidney.....


 What if the next Scream begins with a Ghostface attack on Sidney ?

Viewers know the opening scene is suppose to be a killer, in more ways than one.That this person is in danger.And with Part 5, we know a legacy character can fall.Sure ,Neve Campbell has said she doesn't want Sidney to die.But what if that was to throw us all off of anticipating the worst.

Picture it: In her home at sunset when she returns from work

Black screen.A scream is heard.A phone rings
Sidney comes in the front door,mail in hand.Turns off the alarm.Phone continues to ring.
"Honey, I'm home" Calling out for her husband and kids....no one answers.Phone stops ringing.
She goes to the kitchen. Starts dinner.Turns on oven,Gets pans out.
On the fridge we see children's drawings.The child's name written in big crayon in the lower right corner
Sidney flips through the mail.Bills.A Red Valentine addressed to "My Cassandra"
No return address.
She opens the envelope.
Inside is a Valentine , on the front it says "I just called...to say.."
She goes to open the card and a piece of folded paper drops out.
Sidney picks it up and unfolds it.
On the paper is a childs drawing image of a stick figure family.Holding hands
Someone has drawn over the faces so they are each wearing the Ghostface mask image.
Children and Father with knives in their bodies.
"My Family" written along the bottom in red with a little Ghostface drawn in the lower corner
Over the name of the child who drew the original.The same name as the pictures on the fridge. 

The inside of the card has a poem "Blood is Red,Corpses are Blue..One is dead....and so are YOU!!"
She gets out her phone.Texts husband.
"Where are you?"
After a pause....."Right behind you" the text reads
Sydney turns...no one is there
Phone says "Someone is typing"
But before she can see the response..the landline rings.
Sidney answers.
An old familiar Voice says "Hello Sidney"
Sid "Not today" and hangs up.
Then presses a button on phone base.
Sid grabs a knife from a kitchen drawer and goes to a cupboard
Opens it to reveal a series of security screens of her house,inside and out
Everything looks quiet.Except something is off with the kids room image
Shes prepared.Sidney Fuckin' Prescott
Sidney opens an app on her phone(ignoring the text from her husband),
She can now see the same camera angles as the security cams
She then gets on houses intercom.
"The police are on their way.You can fuck off.Now. Or they can claim whats left of your piece of shit body."
Pause.Silence.No movement on screens.
Then the voice says over the same intercom:
"Sidney,Sidney,Sidney..such a mouth on you...Did you learn to talk like that from your Mother?...
...Do you talk to your kids like that?
Oh...by the way...Have you checked the children?"
Sid instinctively looks at the screen of the kids room.Nothing.
Then the image of the kids room changes as a gloved hand pulls a taped photo away.
Revealing a room with blood everywhere.On the wall scrawled in child like lettering:
"Where were you Mommy?"
On the camera a Ghostface walks over to one of the beds.There is a body shaped lump
The Ghost violenty stabs the shape repeatedly.Blood flies.
Sidney runs to room.
To find it empty.And clean.No blood anywhere.
The VOICE on intercom:"What's wrong,Sid?
"Is the great Sidney Prescott going crazy after all these years?
"You're not...Seeing things?Are you?"
Her phone gives off some beeps.Sidney glances at her phone quickly,back up to her surroundings
Back to her phone.On every security screen in her house there is a Ghostface standing in each of the rooms.
Waving their knife hand at the camera.
THE VOICE on intercom ,childlike "Come and Play with US"
Sid ..not sure where to turn or run....goes to the middle of the stairs.Glances up and down
Puts the phone in her jacket pocket.Knife extended out at the ready.
Over the intercom " kill kill kill....ma,ma,ma"
Then " Kill THE Mommy....Kill her"
Sidney goes for her back pocket, but before she can do anything we hear ,coming from downstairs:
"MOMMIE HELP ME"
Sid knows its a trap.But still takes a few steps down towards the voice.
Sid Yells "Come out and show yourself, you Bastard"
THE VOICE "With Pleasure" and Ghostface emerges from an upstairs doorway.Knife swinging
Running towards Sidney
Who doesnt turn and run.But makes her stand,knife at the ready.
Ghostface pulls to a stop.Shes not running?
Theres a moment of standoff...
Sids angry eyes glaring at the Ghostfaces black eye holes.It turns its head quizically
Then Sid says" Ok, asshole.Let's Dance" and she goes for her back pocket.Dropping her knife.
As she pulls out a small gun and fires,the Ghostface throws his knife at her,hard.
Causing her to move to avoid and making her aim go off.Shooting at the feet of the Ghostface.
The Ghostface turns and runs into a nearby room.Slams the door shut.We hear it lock.
Sid picks up the knife
But instead of running up the stairs she goes for the front door.
Being careful at the bottom of the stairs, in case someone is waiting around the corner.
No one there in the adjacent room.
Sid makes a break for the front door.Opens it
And sees a Ghostface running fast towards her.With a bit of a limp
She slams the door shut just as the Ghostface hits the door in a hard run.
Shoving the door open.
Sid turns and runs,the Ghostface slashes at her.The knife running across the back of her hair.
Sid rounds the corner, knocking over a tall floor lamp behind her.
Ghostface follows closely,not seeing the lamp post,and trips.
As it gets to it's feet....all the lights in the house go out.
We follow Ghostface as it moves slowly through dark rooms.Mask glowing green in the dark.Randomly swinging the blade at air.
Opening doors and stabbing into the darkness.Noticeably frightened.
It rounds the corner,and notices a closet door.
Thinking it has her...Ghostface raises the knife and slowly turns the door knob.
Swinging the door open.
Empty
"HEY" Sid yells
Ghostface turns
Sid shoots Ghostface right in the head with a bigger gun than before.Sending the body back and to the floor.Blood filling the white mask
As Sid approaches the fallen body, she shoots both its knees.One in the crotch for good measure
Sidney stands above the body,gun still smoking when she hears
"Sidney"
She looks up. Her husband and kids are in the front doorway. Ice cream in hand.
Behind them we see police lights approaching.
The Ghostface body makes a gurgling noise and twitchs.
Sidney casually shoots it again without even glancing
The little girl screams
Cut to black screen
"SCREAM" title card.

We would learn the real killers set this Ghostface up to fail.
Picked an over eager fanboy(whose real use would be revealed later)
They knew Sidney would stop this person.Easily.
Even tampered with his costume/shoes/knife.
 

I briefly pictured Sidney putting on Night Vision Goggles to watch the Ghostface in the dark.(A reverse of the basement moment in the end of Silence of the Lambs). Tossing items across the darken room to distract the Ghostface and make it move where Sidney needed it to stand to spring a trap.Or get a good shot

Maybe Sidney gets the upper-hand by putting on her own Ghostface costume
and approaches this person
Pretending to be a partner in the kill.
We don't see her put on the costume and are given no hint she is under the mask...until she shoots the original Ghostface and does a dramatic mask reveal (like in part 1) .

Sidney would step out of the darkness in the costume and silently ,maybe with the knife in her hand, direct the other Ghostface by pointing up the stairs to indicate that is where Sidney has run off. When the first Ghost turns its back she pulls out her gun and shoots.

After the Ghost is dead, Sidney removes the mask off the body (gruesome visual of the former white mask completely bloody and  brain splattered from bullet hole in forehead). Does not recognize this person at all.Searches body,doesn't find a phone


Now why would she have THAT costume?

Maybe She has a mask for therapy reasons.Face her Abuser

Or She uses it in fight practice exercises. 

After all shes been through,maybe she has a kink she shares with her husband


Monday, January 31, 2022

Hello Gale ...Seen any good Scary Movies lately?


 

A Ghostface call to Gale is long overdue.

We are now at 5 SCREAM movies , and if memory serves there has not been a threatening call from Ghostface to Gale directly. 

Well, except for Part 2, but that call was intercepted by Randy...and we all know how that ended for that poor soul. Maybe Gale was the original hopeful target in that moment since it was her phone?

Nevertheless, it's high time for Gale to have a one on one with our masked killer.I imagine she would have a few choice words for anyone who dared to put on that costume and try and play games with her.


Here is a little first blush thought I had as to how that might play out ...:


I picture Gale at a book signing for her new book about Dewey. His smiling cherub face on book covers on the promotional displays all around this little bookstore nook where she is seated.Blown up photos of shared happy moments between the two of them on posters all around her.
 

She is signing books,both new and old.Gale's assistant is getting the remaining copies of the new book out of a box when they say that they have to get another box from their stacks in the receiving backroom.They want the table to be full for the promotional photo she wants to take.The Assistant leaves while a nearby store bookseller steps up and preps posts its and pens on the table for signing.

 Then Gale's phone rings.

Distracting her for a moment as she looks down at the incoming call."Unknown,Scam likely".She doesn't answer it
 

The next person puts a book down in front of her.It has a "STAB 5:The True Story:A Novelization"  mock movie poster cover on it.With Gale's face as part of the poster.
 

She starts to look up .Saying "What..is THIS? I'm only signing MY....." and trails off as she sees a person in the Ghostface costume standing before her.
 

Gale jumps to her feet,tipping the chair, and steps back.Knocking stacks of books and photo stands of Dewey over.
 

The Ghostface points at the book on the table ...which suddenly starts ringing like a phone. Nobody moves.
It rings again.
 

Gale yells "Security!"
 

The Ghostface then suddenly turns and makes a break for it,knocking people and stacks of books over, and we see "him" run out the door, past the large front windows, and around the corner.Followed by store security.
 

The book continues ringing.
 

Gale's assistant returns to the table.Exchanges a look with Gale,who nods her head towards the front window.We see Security dragging a struggling Ghostface back to the store through the large windows at the front.
Gale flips open the book cover,quickly, but cautiously.
In the middle of the book is a carved out hole,bright red jagged arrows point at the center within which sits a cell phone.
They both see the phone number on the screen reads "Dewey Riley Calling"
Gale grabs the phone and answers it...

A familiar VOICE speaks :
"Hello Gale
Seen any good Scary Movies lately?"

Gale:
Screw you,freak

The Voice:
Awwww...is that anyway to talk to your biggest fan? Love your new book about dear ol' Dewey
Especially...the ending .It really cuts deep.

But,tell me,Gale.Why didn't you write the epic story of the ones who actually took down a Legacy character?

Gale:
Dewey wasn't a character in a movie. He was a living person

The Voice:
..Not anymore...
What are you afraid of?

Gale:
I'm not afraid of you.Those dime store copycat spoiled brats don't deserve a story.
They were so lame they couldn't even come up with a new way to Psycho.

The Voice:
But you have...haven't you?
Did you remember to take your pills today?
You know how bitchy you get when you forget.
You're not still feeling sad about your dear ol dead Deputy,are you?
That was so last year.

Gale:
Fuck off! You love to talk but do you have anything to say?

Why wait till the third act for the big reveal of your "message".
I'm bored with your story already.Show me something new or shut up.

The Voice:
Oh I plan to.Don't you worry that pretty little head of yours off

Ghostface hangs up.

Gale looks at the phone....and calls the number back.

Ghostface:
Hello...New phone .Whose this?

Gale:
Come near me and you'll die like the rest of your mask wearing assholes.

The Voice:
And why would I want to come for you? Haven't you heard....
Nobody wants movies anymore about old characters
They bring nothing to the table but the same tired story we've already seen five times.
They exist only to be killed off
I'm hungry for something new.
Besides ...who needs you....
...You are nothing without Dewey .

Ghostface hangs up

Gale slams the phone on the table in anger.

Gale:(after a beat.To her assistant)  
Did you get the trace?

Assistant:
We should know in a few minutes.
Looks good.

Just then security brings the Ghostface who brought the book to Gale back to her table.

Gale:  
Nice work. Now get that mask off so we can see who this fucker is.

One of the security men removes the mask to reveal.....what is clearly a homeless man.

Man:(getting agitated)
Whats the problem. I didn't do anything.
I did what I was asked to.Wheres my money?!

Gale(in mans face now)
Who asked you? describe Her?Him?

Man:
The voice on the phone.Said he would give me money if I put on this halloween costume and bring you that book.
Who are you?

Gale's Assistants phone beeps
Assistant:(looking at her phone)
Ok.... we've got a location

Gale moves beside Assistant to look at her phone. Assistant presses on map icon,shows image with a red location icon.Too far away to make out significant buildings of streets.Zooms in)
They both react.

Assistant:(Looks at Gale)
The call was coming from inside your house




Saturday, December 25, 2021

Hazel-Rah's Helliday 16 : Tons of Christmas Crap (2021)

 


 

 HARK ! The Herald Angels Sing ,”Conform,Submit,Keep Purchasing!”
 

Well…despite the big life change, I managed to squeak in a Helliday mixtape. It was a bit rushed this year as.So if it feels a little jumbled & jivey,sorry. But despite those & other challenges,I feel there's not a lot of stinkers in the mix.(except for that ONE song,eew). 

Holiday music may spark nostalgia for some and the right tune can even get you in the spirit.But hearing "Jingle Bells" for the millionth time can also lead to annoyance and even distress.Heck,overplayed seasonal songs even have their own game of active avoidance.

How long did you last.....last christmas ?

 So for those in survival mode , here is my 16th collection of craptacular carols to stave off that over-saturated insanity brought on by the carbon copy holiday setlist of every store you dare set foot in this season or every Hallmark movie your significant other forces you to watch.

 And Hey....Let's be careful out there

1) Another Holiday Upon Us and  the Peanuts have barely finished their Halloween candy

2) Bite My Juicy Thanksgiving Pie ( Avril Lavigne vs Doja Cat vs Ariana Grande vs Weird AL vs More) in this Titus Jones made up mashup

3) Liam Neeson Auditions for Mall Santa on the Late Show

4) Santa's Watching You and it's freaking out Kelly Finnegan

5) The Loose Tapestries Can’t Wait for Christmas while some of us can't wait for this holiday jazz to be over
 
6) Little Richard wishes you a Tutti Frutti Christmas

7) Fred Schneider & The Superions cook up a real Fruitcake of a tune
 
8) "Because Buttmunch,Its Christmas" Butthead tells Beavis as to why we're listening to all this Helliday music 

9) Psychostick warn of the .....dun dun dun .... Zombie Claus!

10) It's a Amazon Holiday Toy Song ...be afraid....be very afraid

11) The legendary King Diamond tells the little kiddies that there are  "No Presents for Christmas"

12) Terminal Gods speak of the trials and tribulations of  "Driving Home For Christmas"
Terminal Gods

13) DJ Cummerbund's  "Carol for Whom the Bell Tolls (Metallica vs Trans Siberian Orchestra) mashup of metal and melodrama

14) Tiger Lilies croon on a cold "Starlit Night"

15) HallMighty mashup some suprising sounds in "Drive Home Alone for Christmas (The Cars vs Chris Rea vs Olivia Rodrigo)"

16) King Moonraiser  tell the tale of how "A Toy is Never Truly Happy"

17) Merkel and the Merkelettes know the awful truth that "Christmas is Expensive"

18) American Dad's Snot & Roger lament that Hanukah plays "Second Fiddle to Xmas"

19) Daveed Diggs wants what any good hearted Bubbe wants , a "Puppy for Hanukah"
Daveed Diggs
 
20) Aaaahnold wants you to stay away from his Wife's Cookies even if they make you Jingle All the Way

21) Marc with a C says  "All I Want For Christmas" is a present that actually sucks

22) Mrs Deagle is like us all when she says "I Hate Christmas Carolers"

23) Boris Pickett & The Crypt Keepers know how to celebrate a "Monster's Holiday"

24) Alice Cooper's minions sing of the "12 Days of Alice Cooper"

25 George Jetson suffers like us all as he cries "How Can We Afford All These Presents?"

26) Kay Martin & Her Bodyguards says with a naughty smile "I Know What You Want for Christmas"
 
27) Fascinating Aida implores that you  don't be a "Cunt at Christmas"

28 Jack Frost Trailer presents something chilly to laugh at
 
29)Dame Edna is of the understanding that "Christmas is the Spookiest Time of All"

30) Are you like Uncle Eddie ? don't you hate it when the "Shitter's Full"

31) There's no avoiding it , this performance of "Sugarplum Farties" really stinks
Jingle Smells Everyone !
 
32) David Lynch give us his "New Years Eve Weather Report"

33) Favorite folk crooner John Gorka  performs "Auld Lang Syne"

34)"Bah Humbug" wishes Ebenezer Scrooge  from the Muppet Christmas Caro


Tuesday, October 12, 2021

Hazel-Rah's Halloween 17: aka:The Halloween Hacker 3: Part 6. A New Beginning. Dave Returns...Again

Welcome ...Foolish Morsels... 

to another Trick or Treat bag of tracks to entertain your ears this spooky season. While the world is still riddled with the wandering infected braindead making this dark time drag on indefinitely ,that doesn't mean you can't still have a spoopy ol' time!

 Can't we? 

*Screams into the void........waits impatiently for the void to scream back* 

What to do this year? Halloween is a national drinking holiday for some ...where else can you drink body shots off the exposed tummy of a woman dressed as a sexy Blues Clues 

And this season brings back news of the return of favorite monsters in the form of Michael,Chucky,and Ghostface.With all the sequels and remakes it won't be long before we see Friday the 13th: Part 33-Jason Drinks Manhattans. 

Who knows? Maybe one day the ol' gloved one will haunt the dreams of teenagers once again.

 So slip on your warmest skin ,grab your cleanest pillow case,remember the rolls of toilet paper and lets go a wassailing door to door begging for sweets.  

It's Hazel-Rah's Halloween 17 ...or otherwise known as The Halloween Hacker 3: Part 6. A New Beginning. Dave Returns...Again 

 1) Linus writes a letter to The Great Pumpkin 

 2) MXMS-go deep and dirty like a proper "Gravedigger (Kelly Dean Remix)" 

 3) Tres Vampires(David J (Bauhaus, Love & Rockets) and Johnette Napolitano (Concrete Blonde)) "Take You Deep" into the night with their otherworldly passion ballad 

 4) When the Living Dead Return , the question on everyone's lips is "Why Do You Eat People?".They are disgusting and can't possibly taste like chicken

 5) The Chameleons are feeling "Less Than Human". We've all had mornings like that

 6) John Carpenter's "Village of the Damned" .....and you thought children were creepy enough already? 

 7) I Monster says don't worry "These Are Our Children" ...they don't bite....hard

 8) The bloody Halloween night isn't over yet (We've got two more movies to get through!) in this Halloween Kills Trailer

 9) Every year I like to include a variation on the ol' John Carpenter Halloween theme and this years variant comes via Robyn Adele Anderson's twisted take on the Talking Heads "Psycho Killer" 

10) Aviators sing the praises of a "All Hallows" night 

11) NARDS! It's the Monster Squad Trailer! 

 12) Skyhooks sing of a different kind of "Horror Movie" on their TV 

 13) Tina tells Nancy that she "Dreamed About the Same Creep I Did" 

14) Messer Chups take on the A Nightmare on Elm Street theme in this Surf Rock "Freddy Krueger's Holiday"

 15) Amanda Wyss knows a thing or two about bad dreams ,and tonight she says "I Am Going to Have a Nightmare" 

 16) Jason is Back...again (Can't keep a good hockey puck down!)in this "Friday the 13th Part 4 The Final Chapter(who do they think they are kidding?) Trailer"

 17) LL Cool Jason says "Momma Said Chop You Now" in this spot on tribute to both the rap classic and the iconic Mamma's Boy 

18) Who is Booberry ?! Seriously .....why do we not have a Creature From the Black Lagoon cereal ?? 

19) It's the "Story of the Creature from the Black Lagoon (Lord Melody vs Social Distortion)" where IWillBattle mashups the punk sounds of Social D with a long forgotten Calypso song. A song about a kid who gets made fun of because his mom had sex with the Creature from the Black Lagoon 

 20) Meet Igor...or is it Eye-gore? 

21) Chaki says walk this way, like a "Funky Frankenstein" 

 22) Johnny playfully warns that "They're Coming to Get You Barbara",and they are horny in this 1990 remake of the classic Night of the Living Dead 

23) Mad Sin speak of the "Mad Filthy Undead" (the living are pretty unwashed these days ,to be fair) 

 24) If the endless Halloween sequels tell us anything ,it's that "You Can't Kill the Boogeyman" 

 25) This "Boogie Man Boogie" track was scraped out of the background of the Rules of Attraction pumpkin. 

26) Meet Dr Elvira, she says the best thing to cure your anxiety is with a terror inducing spooky movie.Watch two and stay up till morning. 

27) I'm with Elvira! Keep wearing your damn mask ! so we "Don't Cancel Halloween" 

 28) Are those X-"Mess" decorations I see on the shelves? Where does the time go? Liechee "Carol of the Pumpkins (A Halloween Carol)" feels like christmas dressed in a Halloween costume.Take that Target! 

29) Spooky Muppets!!! this movie was made for me .It's the "Muppets Haunted Mansion Trailer" 

30) Sesame Street's The Count can count the many times he has done his favorite dance, "The Batty Bat"

 31) John Zacherle wishes us all a "Happy Halloween" 

32) "Another Halloween" has come and gone and Linus reflects on what was lost.

Tuesday, December 8, 2020

Hazel-Rah's Helliday Mixtape #15 : A Hard Covid Christmas


 Lord it's like a hard Covid Christmas

           I'm barely getting through tomorrow 

                            But still I won't let
                                                          Sorrow bring me way down
 

It's been a rough year for many ,myself included. On the less important side of things,I almost didn't even do my yearly Helliday mixtape due to lack of enthusiasm. But then I thought, if it brings one smile to just one person this gloomy time of year, than it would be worth it.
 

So buckle up buttercups..here...we....go...
I have once again wrapped up a collection of X-"Mess" tunes to help you combat that seasonal affective disorder that is brought upon by the syrupy sludge that assaults your senses no matter where you go.AND WE CAN'T EVEN GO ANYWHERE THIS YEAR!

What time is it?Who can tell as the days just seem to blend together. Alright, y'all got 10 seconds
to get under the mistletoe and whawk .Cause Morris Day is here to tell you why he is cooler than Santa Claus

We've got the usual suspects, like mashups,movie trailers,and toons.You'll even brave being sent to Whamhalla with a surprise rendition of THAT SONG(don't worry,I wouldn't be that cruel and Whambush you in one of my mixtapes)

John Carpenter's The Thing is a Christmas movie, right? It’s set in a snowy polar region and has young Santa Claus in it.  And you never know what's inside each package until it unwraps you.

Santa Claws makes a guest appearance in the form of Freddy Krueger,and is even joined by Nancy's Mother Marge as Ronee Blakely sings her Grand Ol' Opry cover of a Christmas classic.
 

So spin this mix right round like a dreidel,right round.And give in to the terror and joy that is

                                The Hazel-Rah Helliday Mixtape #15: A Hard Covid Christmas

1) Johnny Fever doesn't understand all this desire for constant "Good Cheer and Bad Music"
 
2) Alex Khaskin starts things off all spooky with "It's Christmas Eve" from a Christmas Horror Story

3) "Halloween is over" so sayeth the Simpsons. But is it really, as we slide on into yet another Pagan holiday

4) Dan Phillips brings his home brewed mashup to the party with another one of his amazing creations as Gary Numan rings his bells while driving in "Carol of the Cars"

5) How long did you last this year ? Doghouse Dad reports from the frontlines with his "Whamageddon Survivor Journal Day 10"

6) Reali-tGlitch gets his hands all bloody in thanks to what you gave him "Last Christmas(Red Snow)"

7) It's so easy, anyone can do it.Cartman gets down with the "Jebus Music",Baby

8) My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult aren't the only ones this chilly season that are "Kooler Than Jesus".BRRrrrr

9) Shock Therapy lament that it's "X-Mas Time Again".I second that feeling

10)We've all had those first day on the job terrors like the ones in this Robot Chicken "Elf Training Video"

11) Alice Bag Band knows that there are "No Gifts for Nazis" (other than giving them a punch in the face,the throat,the nads..)

12) Homer Simpson does his worst at remembering the eight famous reindeer,except for "Donna Dixon"

13) Rob Halford screams out bloody metal for HIS two favorite reindeer,"Donner and Blitzen"

14) Now that" Santa is Dead", Stan Smith and the family can really enjoy the Helliday season

15) Mosey contemplates ,what "If Christmas Didn't Exist"? Imagine all the people,staying the fuck at home

16) Magne Furuholeman knows all to well that this is "The Seasons to Be Melancholy" .It's downright S.A.D.
 
17) Man, John Carpenter's The Thing knows how to stay warm inside this cold season

18) The Cure enjoy a "Last Dance"

19) WHACK! Morris Day is "Cooler Than Santa Claus"
 
20) Chuck Berry croons "Merry Christmas Baby" to his sugerplum

21) Pee Wee Herman reminds us to ,duh,"Don't Drink and Drive"

22) Barnes & Barnes are looking for fishheads "Down By Candy Cane Lane"

23) Ol' Santa Claws himself,Freddy Krueger interrupts Santa to pimp his Dream Master VHS in this rare video store ad

24) Ronee Blakely (who played Marge Thompson,Nancy's Mother, in the original A Nightmare on Elm Street) sings "O Holy Night"

25) "Damn You,Snow !" cries Kent Brockman

26)"Countdown to Hallelujah" on Warezio;s Europe Choir Final Mashup
 
27) Clark Griswold just wants to know if he can "Leave you for dead"

28) Hanoi Rocks fear they will be "Dead by Christmas"

29) Julie Brown has several "Ways to Save Money at Christmas"

30) John Wesley Harding has a case of the "Talking Christmas Goodwill Blues"

31) Strong Bad knows exactly what he DOESN'T want this Decemberween

32) Homestar Runner and the gang sing their favorite helliday tune,"O Decemberween"

33) Dolores Hart pleads that "If I see just one more flake of snow I'm going to barf" 
 
                                                   HAPPY HELLIDAYS ,KIDDIES ! 

 

Monday, October 5, 2020

Hazel-Rah's Halloween 16: Abandon All Hope,Ye Who Press Play

 Hazel-Rah's Halloween 16 : Abandon All Hope,Ye Who Press Play

 

Well.....this year has been a real Nightmare....and it's still got three more months of terror to unleash. So to ease the pain of the Halloween parties and Samhain festivities lost to the Virus, I have once again compiled a collection of creepy, kooky, and little bit ooky tracks to turn the terror up to 11. In tradition of mixtapes past, I've got Mashups,Soundbites, and songs from all different genres. From candy coated creepers to Covid infected industrial , I touch on all types of terrors in tune form. Old favorites like Freddy and Elvira return to haunt the intros to new tunes.Trailers abound for recent and class-sicks from the past. So sit back, press play and let the spooky lift your spirits 

Happy Halloween

 
 
1) We begin with the "Halloween Kills Teaser". As poor bloody and beaten Laurie Strode pleadingly screams to just let Michael Myers burn. But we have to wait another whole year before we get to see how that story plays out.
 
2)Every year I like to include a version of the class-"sick" John Carpenter theme created for the original Halloween.It's one of those soundtracks that began my love and collecting obsession for movie scores.This years John Carpenter cover comes via Caspro with their Synthwave interpretation of the :"Halloween Theme"
 
3) This clas-Sick returns from the 80's with a acoustic revisit from October of 2019.Ministry performs their original "(Every Day is) Halloween"."Cause in the black hole where our hearts used to be,it always is Halloween
 
4) Vicky Meets Pennywise,and it doesn't turn out well in this sound"bite" from IT 2
 
5) Switchblade Symphony give us a dose of good ol' goth with their club clas-sick "Clowns"

6) The guests are in a for a Halloween surprise when they spend the night in the "House on Haunted Hill TV Spot"
 
7) Bauhaus(in the middle of our street) gets mashed up with the narration from Disney's Haunted Mansion for a treat called "Haunted Bela"  by DJ Fnord
 
8) Sometimes ghosts come back.Return to the Overlook in this Trailer for "Doctor Sleep".

9) Andy Prieboy (who gifted us the favorite track "Tomorrow Wendy" that was later covered by one of my all time favorites, Concrete Blonde) gives us this version of Gilbert and Sullivan's "The Ghost's High Noon"

10)Peter Bjorn & John have "The Chills"

11) Freddy wants to be a Daddy, and the parties just started in this trailer for "A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 5 : The Dream Child" 

12) Tomahawk get intense with their Native American influenced "Cradle Song"

13) John Carpenter made for TV movie "Someone's Watching Me" was made before Halloween. But you wouldn't know that from this Casey Kasem narrated TV AD.

14) The Cure tell the tale of a woman alone on the "Subway Song"

15) Things get creepy in this MashGyver Mashup that combines the slowed down vocals of Debbie Harry and the background music to a level in Donkey Kong 64 .This one is not just scary, it's "Debbie Scary"

16) The Elm Street Kids know that something is coming for them, but this time they are ready in this A Nightmare on Elm Street inspired Covid jumprope song."#StoptheNightmare". This was made by several of he actors who have appeared in the Nightmare films over the years

17) KMFDM are doing it again , and spreading the "Virus" on the dancefloor

18) Freddy Krueger  loves a good metal song and knows that if there is no glove,there's no love.So.. "Hey Spinal Tap...smell THIS glove"

19)  DJs from Mars "Move it Sandman" in this mashup that combines (Metallica vs Reel 2 Real)

20) And now it's time for a Commercial Break

21) Elvira,Mistress of the Dark tries to ply her wares with her seasonal albums of "Elvira''s Halloween Carols"...but wait...there's more
 
22) Jason Voorhees croons about "Every Life I Take"
 
23) Jay Sherman is looking for his "Charleston Chew" in this little soundbite from The Critic
 
24)  AtoZ fill their track with lots of cartoon treat in their track "Candy Psyche"

25)Dr Sam Loomis warns the local Sheriff that "Death has come to your town"

26) When death comes to your town the Hearse can not be far behind in this "Here Comes the Hearse"
by Terry Teene
 
27) Louis Armstrong warns of the "Skeleton in the Closet"
 
28) "People are Strange"  says Tiny Tim ( and he would know)
 
29) The victims of The Mist believe that people are "Fundamentally Insane" ( And honestly, with all that has happened in the last year, can you blame them?)
 
30) The Growlers croon that the "Graveyard's Full" and we've run out of earth for which in to bury all the bodies

31) The Muppets wish you all a Happy Halloween.(Everything is better with Muppets)

32)Lisa Simpson does the most adorable version of John Carpenter's Halloween Theme as she hums a little tune to assuage her fears.

Monday, December 2, 2019

Hazel-Rah's Helliday 14: Santaclaustrophobia


So this is X-Mess...and look what you've done....
You're knee deep in Yule and it's closing in on your sanity!

It seems like every year the season starts earlier and earlier, so much , that at one point it will eventually start so early as to fall on the actual month of December and not July.

And just so Yule don't dump a log, here is a mix-(tape) Santa bag that is full of tricks and treats.
(Oops ,wrong holiday)

But wait-(tress,check,Please!) is that Michael Myers?It's not enough that his visage has haunted Halloween since the late 70's, now William has Shatner'd all over "Silent Night" from his new album.Featuring guest vocals by Iggy Pop.

And while folks at work argue whether Die Hard is a X-Mess movie, let's not forget about Die Hard 2! It takes place on the holiday in question, and it even started so early for the season as to have been released in July of 1990!

We've got more trailers,soundbites and drag queens (oh, My!) than you can jingle a bell at.

So sit right back and you'll hear a tale , a tale of a scary Yule cat ,a woman who falls in love with a snowman until things get all hot and bothered,and Prince perform Auld Lang Syne as only he can

It's....

HAZEL-RAH'S HELLIDAY MIXTAPE #14

SANTACLAUSTROPHOBIA




1) Homer has only one thing to say to anyone who tells him its time to take down the Halloween decorations -"BOO-Humbug"
2) Sean Keller is stunned it's already that time of year again-"Holy Fucking Shit its Christmas"
3) Kent Brockman talks of that seasonal affective disorder that we have all become too aware of "Global Warming"
4) The Replacements warn us to "Bundle Up"
5) Doctor Johnny Fever knows just what song to play next to "Sum up the Season"
6) The Arrogant Worms alert us that "Santa's Gonna Kick Your Ass"

7)It's a trailer for another bloody sequel that no one asked for but we will probably watch anyway-"Passion of the Christ 2"

8) The X-Misses lament that "There is no Christmas in hell (and that's why I'm sad)"

9) Marsheaux compose a carol that is completely made up of New Order song and album titles in
"We met Bernard Sumner at a Christmas Party Last Night"
10) Dan Phillips does it again with his self made mashup of Yaz and the classic Helliday song with
"Don't Go Rudolph"

11) Eric Cartman grumbles that Grandma lives so "Far Away" that he has to drive 6 hours for one damn present
12) Nina West wants you to know what she wants for Christmas this year in this Divine tribute to John Waters' Female Trouble
13) People argue over whether Die Hard is a X-Mess movie, but they always forget about the sequel -
"Die Hard 2-DIE HARDER" ( I bet the porn parody didn't even change the name).This movie takes place during the season with snow falling through the whole movie, and yet....it was released on July 2nd. And we thought Christmas music played in stores started too early? Sheesh

14) Who Ha wish a very "Merry Christmas to me". They are on the side of Die Hard

15) Captain Spaulding suggests the best gift this season with year round Murder Ride Gift Certificates in this commercial

16) Dirty Nice know whats what this season, "It's all Gunna go wrong this Christmas".But isn't that half the fun of not knowing ?

17) It all started with that little "Magic Baby of Bethlehem".

18) Low speaks quietly about said baby and "If You Were Born Today" it wouldn't end pretty.....not that it did the first time round.

19) Drop a few coins into the bucket for Don't Call Me Ishmael as their sing out a capella in the cold of a certain "Mary & Joseph"

20) Elvira ,Mistress of the Dark tells us of her "Second favorite time of the year".The best time of hte year to slay some Carols ...or Karen's...or

21) Bjork provides us a poem that tells of a giant terrifying cat that gobbles up children if they're bad in "The Yule Cat" . Here is the English translation so you may sing along.
You all know the Yule Cat
And that Cat was huge indeed.
People didn’t know where he came from
Or where he went.
He opened his glaring eyes wide,
The two of them glowing bright.
It took a really brave man
To look straight into them.
His whiskers, sharp as bristles,
His back arched up high.
And the claws of his hairy paws
Were a terrible sight.
He gave a wave of his strong tail,
He jumped and he clawed and he hissed.
Sometimes up in the valley,
Sometimes down by the shore.
He roamed at large, hungry and evil
In the freezing Yule snow.
In every home
People shuddered at his name.
If one heard a pitiful “meow”
Something evil would happen soon.
Everybody knew he hunted men
But didn’t care for mice.
He picked on the very poor
That no new garments got
For Yule – who toiled
And lived in dire need.
From them he took in one fell swoop
Their whole Yule dinner
Always eating it himself
If he possibly could.
Hence it was that the women
At their spinning wheels sat
Spinning a colorful thread
For a frock or a little sock.
Because you mustn’t let the Cat
Get hold of the little children.
They had to get something new to wear
From the grownups each year.
And when the lights came on, on Yule Eve
And the Cat peered in,
The little children stood rosy and proud
All dressed up in their new clothes.
Some had gotten an apron
And some had gotten shoes
Or something that was needed
– That was all it took.
For all who got something new to wear
Stayed out of that pussy-cat’s grasp
He then gave an awful hiss
But went on his way.
Whether he still exists I do not know.
But his visit would be in vain
If next time everybody
Got something new to wear.
Now you might be thinking of helping
Where help is needed most.
Perhaps you’ll find some children
That have nothing at all.
Perhaps searching for those
That live in a lightless world
Will give you a happy day
And a Merry, Merry Yule.


22) Kate Bush gets a little "Misty" and naughty with this song about a woman who falls in love with a snowman. But when things get all how and bothered.....we know it won't end well.
23) What's this? What's this? Why ring my Smurfing Bells, it's the album no kid could live without in the early 80's , "The Smurf's Christmas Album" .  What the Smurf?
24) Do you hear what I smell? William has Shatner'd all over "Silent Night" and as if that wasn't weird enough, he invited Iggy Pop to the party. You KHAAAAAAAN 't always get what you want,but if you try sometimes, you can get what you need for any musical taste
25) The Venture Brothers wonder about what is this "Kinky Xmas Spirit"

26)Ending out this years mixtape is Prince ringing in the new ...um,old year, of 1987 with his live performance of equal parts Purple Rain and "Auld Lang Syne (Live 12/31/1987)"

27) Marcy Darcy knows how to succeed at the Helliday .She "Bought the Xmas Spirit". Now available at your local stores in all sizes, small,medium and crushing debt.